Is there such a thing as a work, home life and health balance? I guess it depends on the job/career you have. Money is a necessity of life…period. Without money you would not have anything and in most cases to have money you need to work. Since my little hospital stay this subject has been on my mind.

I have 18 years under my belt at my job and 12 years just in one area. I see the people I work with more than my own family…they become like a second family. But if we don’t work together would we ever talk again? Maybe on Instagram, Facebook or Twitter. We have been through divorces, marriages, affairs, and domestic violence. Weight loss, weight gain, diets, workouts, boob jobs, tummy tucks, lipo, Botox, Lapband and gastric bypass surgeries. Who is on their period, PMS and birthcontrol, sex (getting it or not getting it). Childbirth (I held my friends leg during her sons birth), deaths, birthdays, first days of school, snow delays, field trips, spring breaks and Christmas vacations.

We laugh about what funny thing our child said or did and complain when they became a teen. Single moms getting advise on what to do about their sons boners (acknowledge or not) and single dads asking what type of pad or tampon to get for their daughter. We know about husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, pretty much anyone in the family. We cry on each others shoulders throughout life’s pains. Share the joy of becoming grandparents and the sorrow when a life ends. We say prayers during illness and cards for birthdays.

We talk about who in our area is wearing what today..who has camel toe..who got their hair cut or shaved their beard off. Complain about bills, what we have to pay, how much work is needed to cover a vacation or a child’s braces. Who bought a new house, where at, how much. Who got a new car, what kind, how much.

Another quote from Fight Club “The things you own end up owning you.”

So there is a home life and a work life, but when your health is compromised because of the work life what do you do? I’ve been paying attention to the people I work with lately the people working 12 hour days, refueling on the redbulls and monsters. I see the tiredness in their eyes, the way they shift from foot to foot because their feet are sore. Go from sitting to standing because their back is stiff. We are forced to work the overtime, but even we aren’t there are those people working 12 hour days 7 days a week…what areas in their life are they sacrificing?

“You’re not your job. You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You’re not your fucking khakis.”

I worked to give my kids not only what they needed but what they wanted. I worked for the vehicle I drive, I worked for the house we live in, the contents. I worked for the name on my clothes. I work for a company that pays me very well but is also so big they have forgotten who people are. I worked myself into the hospital along with many others yet my management team has yet to ask if I was ok. They did however let me know how many hours of overtime are mandated.

“This is your life, and it’s ending one minute at a time.”

There is no such thing as a work, home, health balance…to give to one you have to take from another and what is the cost? I have found my answer today. Ending in this…”It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.”

Here we go again…

It is 3:14 am on Friday August 9, 2019. Wide awake, the sound of the fan and my husband breathing is all I hear. Haven’t been to sleep yet. I haven’t worked a full week let alone a full day since my little “episode”. Whoohoo got the notification that my Short Term was approved…good news right?!? Well, I guess so considering I won’t get paid. All it did was take what little vacation I did have and the rest of the time was unpaid. So we are going on a couple weeks on just his income, bless his heart. I was set and determined I would go to work on this Friday and everything would be ok, I would be ok. I’m not the same I was before this HM. It may sound stupid, made up or just me being a baby but I am not the same yet. My memory I have noticed isn’t the way it was, Jamey says I’ve always been a bit dingy but this is different than my ADD. I feel drained, exhausted like someone kicked my ass or I have just gotten over the flu. My eyeballs hurt and I’ve had a slight headache the last 2 days which I tried blaming on the change in my medication. (Lets hope)

I am a “go” person, always something to do or needs to be done. I am a that makes me wonder if it’s just my ADD because I get bored easy. But I can be content sitting outside watching the sky, in a fishing boat listening to the water or laying with Jamey for our “couch time” (that is usually before bed to just relax. Today I tried to walk Ruger twice, to get the both of us up, moving and out of the house. The first time I’m guessing it was too early because he just wanted to chase rabbits that were eating the dew covered grass. And the second time was my fault I took him on a walk around 1 pm, 83 degrees, he’s a air conditioned dog! He went from walking in front of me to beside me to behind me then at the end of our street he laid down in the grass til I faked him out with a “is dad home” saying that got him up and moving. I know I’m a dirty liar I knew damn well he wasn’t home but it was a bit embarrassing! Now this wasn’t even a brisk walk and it only lasted maybe 12 minutes.

Wish this dull headache would go away! Looks like I will only be working a half a day…I want to be normal again.

Doctors and Diagnosis #medicine

History: I had my tonsils out when I was 5-6ish (I took my cabbage patch doll “Madeline” in the surgery room when I woke up she had a bandaid on her mouth). For years I would get this pain in my back later it was determined my gallbladder had been acting up all those years of being put on a muscle relaxer for “a pulled muscle” so out with my gallbladder. I have had female problems since I was a teen, after having my 3rd child I decided to get a tubal. For years I would go to the doctor about issues I was having. They put me on numerous types of birth control or I would have painful procedures done until I met a doctor that actually listened to me and scheduled a hysterectomy.

Facts: I have anxiety, ADD and OCD, my blood pressure, heart rate and temperature are always on the low side.

Medicines: When I was pregnant with my second child I was put on my first antidepressant. I have since been a on again off again antidepressant user. Paxil, Zoloft, Wellbutrin etc I have tried them all. And for one reason or another I would stop because of a side effect I didn’t want to have. I have been on Xanax for when I have anxiety attack or just can’t sleep. Sleep medications do not work for me, those had the worse side effects. Yes I tried melatonin and NyQuil without success. I was on Adderall for my ADD and it was life changing!! I wish I had that when I was in school, I know things wouldn’t have been so hard. I only stopped taking it because I switched family doctors. I am on Linzess for my bowel issues but that is very aggressive. I just stopped the Buspirone (for anxiety), my NP didn’t think it was needed. I am on Propranolol for the rhythm in my heart. Gadapentin for what has been going on lately.

I trust my doctors to have my best wellbeing…that being said what do you do when you have one doctor say one thing and another say the opposite and same with the NP’s and specialists. Who do you trust? What tests are necessary? We put our lives and trust in someone else’s hands, is it just opinions? I’m about over being poked, prodded and scanned and I do not have it as bad as others. I do believe in natural medicines, oils and foods but that isn’t the skeleton key for good health without medications. I know people myself that have lived exceptionally healthy lives and have had different cancers, diabetes, heart disease…I’m just frustrated and at a loss on what to do, who to see and what is best.

Bear with me on this

Baseball and fishing

  • My step son plays travel baseball, so much of the summer is spent… driving, sitting in the hot sun, being drenched in the down pours and eating dust. I have learned to keep a bag packed in the back of our suv the entire baseball season. In this bag we have one zebra print blanket, one Notre Dame blanket (beginning of the season has chilly nights), Hot hands feet and hand warmers, a Notre Dame towel (for after the rain), one of those beach blankets that unfolds and is waterproof (to sit on if we are in the bleachers), umbrella, two rain jackets, a Columbia Notre Dame fleece jacket, pair of socks, hand sanitizer, sunblock, mosquito spray, Chicago Blackhawks ball cap, Chicago Cubs beanie hat, Under Armour gloves, deodorant, a baseball, tennis ball, extra mit and a first aid kit that includes bandages, alcohol wipes, neosporin, splinter out, burn cream, scissors, ice pack, 2 waters, antacid, and ibuprofen. We also pack 2 camping chairs incase we end up sitting along the fence. I have also learned before we pull out of the driveway to ask “Hat? Belt? Cleats?” (In reference to Adam Sandler’s “Phone, Wallet, Keys”). Don’t forget the cup!! And to stop by the ATM because most ball parks are cash only. We wrapped up the season in third place. All the parents with their burnt faces and knees the kids with their dirty hats and ripped knee baseball pants were just spent. Done with the season. It’s a lot of fun but everyone just done. My sons played baseball, my youngest loved it. He only got to play for 2 years then issues came up and baseball was over then soon after that football stopped. (That’s all I have to say about that). Now my oldest, bless his heart was the one that was in the outfield with his mit on his head chasing butterflies. He was diagnosed later with aspergers autism. My granddaughters now play. They are 7&5 so still learning. But so much fun to watch!
  • There was no tournament on Sunday, first free one we have had in awhile. So I called my dad up and asked if he would take us all fishing. He never passes up a day to go fishing. Just so happened that on our way home from the ball park on Saturday we stopped by the Bass Pro Shop and picked up some fishing line, rubber worms, rattlers and some hooks. Now I have to be early to everything where as my husband is the “eh we will get there” type…my dad said meet him at 7 am (usually morning fishing is to be on the lake at 5 am). It was almost 6, we had an hour drive still had to stop by the store and grab food and drinks to put in the cooler…we got to the lake a little after 7. Morning fishing was fun we caught some bluegill and one perch then we decided to do some bass fishing. I think we all got to catch some bass, the longer we were out on the boat the more the jet skis and tubers started to come out. We are minding our own business fishing the shore line and I see this jet ski coming up on us “what does this dude want? He has the entire lake why does he have to ride up by us” I said angrily. Jamey says “well he’s wearing boots and a side arm, I’m pretty sure he’s a CO”…yep he was. He wanted to see our permits and of course from where we fished in the rain the last time mine pretty much melted away so he had to call mine in and of course it wasn’t in my married name but my maiden name. (Which really isn’t my maiden name either it’s my ex husbands last name..puke) Anyways he was really nice made sure we all had a life vest in the boat asked how the fish were biting etc. then off he went…what a job! To ride around on a jet ski all day! We fished 7 hours that day. My step son had one monster of a bass but just as he got it to the boat it jumped up and bit his rubber worm in half!

Follow up appointment

Today is Monday July 29 it will be my first day back to work in about 2 weeks, last day there I was taken out by stretcher into ambulance. Anxiety didn’t let me sleep much. Praying I make it through the day without a “episode”. I didn’t take my medicine like I have been first thing in the morning because it makes me feel loopy-loo and I am driving the hour trek to work. Had a busy weekend..Friday was my follow up appointment aaaaaand it was just a waste of gas. I had to see the nurse practitioner because I was a squeeze in and my usual Dr is booked up. She’s nice…told me to go see a neurologist and I am able to go back to work. As far as the new meds making me feel loopy..give it time (the second opinion dr told me to start taking it every other day for a week then stop completely because I don’t need to be on anti seizure medicine). I have my appointment my neurologist in August so stay tuned for that.

Well I didn’t make it the entire work day, made it about half way. I’m so dizzy and I still catch myself studdering. I gave myself a anxiety attack thinking I was going to end up in the hospital again. It was very blurry going home thank goodness for back roads, the traffic on the highway wouldn’t appreciate me going slow! My FMLA and short term disability is all messed up, the hospital had me in my married name, the doctors office has me in my maiden name so everything is all messed up…hello go by my birthday and SSN! So I didn’t get paid for all the time I was off and I am not sure if the time I was off will be counted against me. That just sucks for people like me that don’t play the system and need it. I know of some people who will abuse FMLA all the time like clock work. Uuuurrrgg ok I am done bitching about what I can not control.

Time off

So it is 3:09 am on Thursday, I have a doctor appointment tomorrow, a follow up to my hospital stay and I can’t sleep (imagine that!) my mind getting the best of me worrying on what they will say. I already know I am being referred to a neurologist, so I guess we are just going to go over how my new medication is working for me (not good, I am afraid to drive because I get so dizzy and light headed which is one of the side effects), hopefully I will get released to go back to work (the house is beyond clean), and what if any restrictions I will have. I googled what I have been diagnosed with (ahh yes google and the internet…if not for that how would we survive ?!?! Lol) it is just crazy to me that I can have a migraine yet not have a headache, it is hereditary there are four genes linked to Hemiplegic migraines, the “episodes” are unpredictable, there aren’t many cases, a episode can be as small as a slight headache to so severe I could be in a coma for a few days. So in this last week my face is back to normal, my right arm and hand are back to normal, my upper thigh feels numb but the rest of my leg, toe and feet have feeling. I’ve caught myself over the last couple days still studdering, it’s like my brain works faster than my mouth. Today I started that excessive blinking. I did what the doctor said and quickly took some ibuprofen when a symptom starts and it slowly went away….weird!!! I still have a bruise for the IV they put in when I was in the ambulance. I’m not a “baby” when it comes to shots, giving blood, iv’s, etc….but damn I REALLY don’t want to be poked anymore.

Since I’ve been off of work some of my friends and coworkers have text me, some because they genuinely care and the others to just be nosey, I guess rumor is I got fired. Oh that makes me chuckle and my little black heart wants to come up with some ridiculous story to get the rumors flying but then I believe in karma soooo I will leave well enough alone and I do believe saying nothing kills them more than the truth because the truth is so boring! I have kept the plant alive my friend Kensi got me, pretty yellow daisies. Ruger has been my buddy since I’ve been off, unless I’m sweeping then he tries to kill the sweeper.

If you have watched “The Burbs” with Tom Hanks you will know what I’m talking about when I tell you I know my neighbors routines. The “witch lady” that lives to the right, she got that nickname because all she is ever wearing is black. Now I love black most of my closet is black but she has black hair, dark black eye liner and is always in plain black clothing. She is a PITA, we share a wooden fence with her but it cuts short the back side by the road. Well she took it upon herself to mow our back area then came up and told us that she mowed it and how she “didn’t want to be that neighbor” but she wanted the back mowed on the days she mowed….well that set Jamey off and he went on strike for about 2 weeks. We have only got to see her husband twice in the 3 years we have been here and he was wearing a eye patch…. so yea…… to the left we have a retired lady who lives alone with her little dog. We put in a water softener for her when she first moved in. She’s nice, we wave in passing. We have named her the “bandanna lady” because she wears a bandanna when she mows. On the other side of her is the “crackhead house”…I know I know I shouldn’t judge but it’s a older run down scary house, the cops have been there more than once, the older man has tattoos on his shaven head, animal control has been out a few times over their pit bulls, someone is living in a car in their driveway they have a extension cord strung from the house to the car. There are some kids there from time to time, but after the cops are there we don’t see the kids for awhile (I’m guessing CPS) got involved but I don’t know for a fact. One summer the kids had a table set up by the road with a sign wrote in kid writing that said “rocks for sale $1.00”, well I bought 3 driveway rocks from the 3 kids. I do pray for them because that area is a hot mess. Now the lady across from us should have her own blog because there is just so much, so I will try to do my best without over kill.

“Weird lady” has 2 teen boys I think. When we first moved in she brought over a dessert introduced herself and told us her husband had passed away. Well I can’t eat other people’s food but I kindly accepted but we ended up throwing it away (which was a waste and I wish we could donate food like that to the homeless…I’ve derailed). She doesn’t park in her driveway, she pulls her car up into her yard. Oh her yard..she needs to make her teen sons get off their ass and mow, but any ways she bought a used rider but for whatever reason it didn’t run so she bought a brand new push mower and the poor thing was having such a hard time pushing it. Yes, we watched her but she was finishing up before we realized so don’t judge because Jamey was going to go over and mow it for her. Their mailbox fell over and she just left it! For like 3 weeks it was on the ground! This is the craziest thing…she has/had 2 dogs one named Buddy and the other Toby. Well Toby is a PITA! Always barking, coming into everyone’s yard or snipping at your ankles while she yells from her yard “Toby…you want a cookie?” Ugh we hated Toby…we have not seen Toby in about 3 weeks….anyways one day last summer we see the weird lady walking this Sharpe looking dog, we were like “great that’s all she needs is another dog” well we see her get into her car with her sons, Buddy and Toby and she takes off leaving this dog outside roaming down the road and her front door wide open. Jamey was worried it was going to get hit on the road so he picks it up and puts it in the house and closes the door. He walks back over all proud of himself for saving this dog, well day turns to night, night turns into morning then afternoon and so on and no weird neighbor lady. 4 days go by and nothing so now we are freaking that we put this dog in her house and maybe it’s went potty everywhere or worse has died. So Jamey goes over and knocks on the door and worried she has a dead dog in her house we try to peek in her windows, Jamey cracks the unlocked front door just slightly and whistles…nothing…now we are convinced there is a dead dog somewhere in her house so we ask another neighbor to get ahold of her and ask about the dog…she doesn’t know what we are talking about she only had Buddy and Toby…ohhhh noooo we put someone’s dog in her house and it has possibly died somewhere!!!! She comes home from vacation with her sons we are dreading her to ask us why there’s a dead dog in her house but nothing…days, weeks, months go by still nothing….Toby had to be put down so she replaced him with 2 small yipper dogs. I still wonder about the dog that was put in her house..where’d it go?

Fishing in the dark

My dad is the best fisherman I know, along with my grandfather but my grandfather is slowing down and just can’t do what he use to do which is heartbreaking for me because I’ve always been close to him. Since all my medical issues have been going on I needed a break and how better to take a break than to be out on the water! I love the water, the sound, the smell, it is so calming to me. I live a little over a hour away from my dad and at my house it started to rain so we got on The Weather Channel and looked at the radar and it looked like it would just miss where we were going fishing so I called my dad and asked if he was still up for going his reply “I’m not afraid to get wet”, and that was that. We get to my dads and it was still in the low 90’s, get the boat loaded up with all our fishing gear, our coolers of snacks and drinks and I looked in the back of our SUV and debated on grabbing the umbrella but decided not to because the radar didn’t look as if we were going to get any rain and looking up at the sky with the sun I decided to leave the umbrella (like it would’ve mattered).

We head to the lake now this lake is in a chain of different lakes, some are no wake some you can go full throttle. Dad and I get in the boat my husband backs us into the water at the loading ramp and we pull off onto the sand to wait while Jamey parks the Jeep. My dad hasn’t had this boat very long, his bass boat burned up in a barn fire so he replaced the bass boat with a v-bottom boat that is brand new. (I will get into fishing stories with my dad and Jamey later). The sky is getting darker you can see the cold front move in like a Bob Ross painting but looking at the radar and getting the alerts on our phones we decide it will be ok the warning is for the north of the county and not where we were. We make our way through 3 lakes to go to the lake we want that’s known for bass, it’s about a half an hour boat ride to get there. We start to fish the shore of course dad catches the first one then Jamey then myself…and I feel it start to sprinkle. Ehhh it will be ok a few sprinkles don’t matter so we get our rain jackets on (frogg toggs, sterns and cabelas) and the sprinkles turn into rain. You can see it off in the distance coming at us on the lake. The lightning in the sky is sideways and the thunder booms as rain starts coming down sideways also. We rush to put our phones in the waterproof compartment. Slide the tackle bags under the seats and keep fishing. Dad brings in another bass, the lightning streaking the sky and the thunder booming and cracking the rain is just a steady down pour the rain jackets didn’t help. I kick my shoes off and continue to fish barefoot, hey it’s better than having wet feet in shoes.

Finally the rain let’s us now it’s just a constant rain. We troll along the bank catching a fish here and there as the rain turns into a sprinkle that is just under a “rain” definition and dad brings in a pike. I love pike fishing they always put up a good fight. Jamey has never caught a pike so he thought that was way cool. Now it’s at a light sprinkle still tripling around the bank we see this guy on his pier reel in this huge fish, it was so big he had to bring it up into his yard just to get the hook worries he threw it back and it swam off as did all of our fish we caught. We think it was a carp or muskee, either way it was BIG! It’s still sprinkling but just barely we continue to fish around the bank. We are soaked…fingers and toes are pruned, rain still dripping off the brim of our ball caps. My ball cap was a Monster energy that we got when we went to watch super cross, Jamey had his favorite Cubs hat and my dad had a camo Cabelas with a black American flag stitched in. I kept nagging dad because he wore his tennis shoes and socks to take them off because we were so wet. My nikes were under the drivers seat filled with water and Jamey’s Sanuks were wet but not holding water. Dad turns on the radio and just leaves it on the first channel he can pick up which was classic rock from the 70s and 80s. I tried to get him to sync one of our phones or use our Sirius radio but nooooo “it’s fine” …ooook dad.

It’s well after 9pm we have caught about 10 bass, one pike and a lone blue gill. Now this entire time I am fishing the back of the boat Jamey middle and dad front with the trolling motor. I am using the big motor in the back to help me keep my balance, I’m still getting light headed. My upper thigh is still numb and I don’t have full strength if my hand yet. Dad and Jamey gave me crap because a couple times I about casted myself right out of the boat! For some reason my dad and Jamey both have me swing my rod around so they can take my fish off for me, I usually do it myself so I think they are doing it because of my episode but I am thankful they did without me having to ask. I try to hide my hand and head spins from them so they won’t worry but I just couldn’t hold the rod anymore. I just reeled my biggest bass of the night in and it was all I had to get it in the boat and get my picture with it so I decided I’m done the night, I put my pole down and just tell them I am cold (all 3 of us still dripping wet). Dad brings his biggest in for the night and it’s almost 11pm. I’m the one that has to be the party pooper and tell them we need to wrap it up because Jamey has to work in the morning, if he didn’t we would’ve fished all night..I love doing that. There is just something about the water, none of us are talking we are all just trolling along enjoying the peace. No traffic, no work, no problems, and if you do think about your problems they are not stressed over when you are on the water. Poor Jamey doesn’t get his “big one” for the night. We pack up and start to head back, it is pitch black the clouds hiding the moon so getting back is kind of hard. Jamey holding a flashlight and the the solar lights on the bouys.

Like we have done many times, Jamey backs the Jeep in dad loads the boat, we pull her out and strap her down. I was going to grab what clothes we did have out of the boat but it’s a 15 min drive to his house and everything is soaking wet. We get unloaded, everything put away or put in our SUV. We say our goodbyes and start to head home. I am still dripping…I have the baseball bag in the back!! It has 2 blankets in there!! So Jamey and I strip down butt ass naked he has the Notre Dame blanket wrapped around him and I have the zebra print wrapped around me. Turn the heat up because that cold front moved in we went from 90’s to 60’s ahh the luxury of heated seats. We got home after midnight laughing and talking on the way home about IF we were to get pulled over explaining to the police on why we are naked with blankets wrapped around us!!